Friday, May 18, 2007

Happy birthday to me

As I celebrate my 42nd birthday today I got this sense of contentment that I never felt in my twenties and certainly not in my thirties. I am so happy how my life is unfolding, I have this wonderful husband who is just the most amazing Daddy. Then there are my two little monkeys, I never imagined I would be a Mommy , in my twenties I had a hysterectomy so I faced the hard reality that there would not be a pregnancy , I wouldn't feel life growing inside me, at the time it didn't register with me because i hadn't met the man I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
In my thirties I had met my husband, fell madly in love and couldn't wait to be a Mommy, we knew our path was adoption and looked happily to our future. During our paper chase to complete our dossier, I had routine blood work (I have blood disorder so extra documentation was in order) when my Hematologist found so irregularities, I had contacted Hep C due to many blood transfusion during my hysterectomy. Our dreams fell apart, we were told that our adoption plans would probably would be put on hold or worse forget them altogether. My liver specialist didn't know at this point if i had a lot of damage or if this was going to be something that might take my life.
Long story short my husband said we were not going to give up on our dream , we put together our dossier and didn't inform family in case we were rejected for health reasons. We had applied to Vietnam, well just as our dossier landed in Vietnam, it closed down , we were crushed, I was truly convinced that I was not meant to be a Mom. Again my husband didn't let me give up, we switched to the China program, our agency couldn't tell us for sure how China would deal with our health issues but they felt optimistic that we were going to be parents.
I tried to put the wait out of my thoughts because I was sure we would get the call and I was going to so devastated, as hard as i tried i did nothing but dream of my daughter, her little face , our first meeting , the first time she said mommy.
We were expecting news of referral in January of 2003, one afternoon my husband and I were at home and the phone rang, it was our agency , my heart sunk like a rock falling into a deep well, I was convinced if they were calling in December it was devastating news.
All i could hear after, "you have a little girl" is a blur, tears flowed and I felt like I couldn't get my breath. After the call we ran downstairs to our computer and watched our baby pop up on the screen, the most beautiful child. At this moment i knew what i had felt in my twenties was sooo wrong I did feel the life of my child inside me, she was in my heart, I felt it immediately. It was the most wonderful thing in the whole world.
Not long after Jenny came home, reality hit me hard, i had to go on treatment weeks after our return from China. I had a round of treatment for six months, it didn't work and i was devastated, didn't this damn drug know I was a Mom ,I wanted to live to see her many milestones. Another six months passed and we tried treatment again, this time for a year , I felt at some points that i just had to quit but then I'd go into the nursery and watch Jen sleep in her crib, this was enough to gain back my strength. The treatment was a success and I am now in remission state of inactivity as they like to call it.
So after my many battles in my 20's and 30's I am now feeling such freedom , i love my greys, laugh lines, I feel like I am just starting life. So as I blew out my candles on my birthday cake, my wish was for my babies, I already had all mine come true... okay enough of this mushy ol' post.