Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Bee in my bonnet...

Recently my hubby and girls went to a very large family function, a family picnic that has been going on since 1912. It involves many hours of organizing, many people come to the table and give countless hours of their free time.
It is always such a great time , we love attending every year. After the blessing there are a list of family announcements as everyone is devouring all the favourite, handed down for many generations , family recipes.
When the family announcements come to births each child is presented with an engraved silver spoon, it's gorgeous. They announce the name of the child, birthdate and hand them the spoon. This was Jillian's year to be presented to her extended family. As each name was read we enjoyed seeing the new babies, then it was our turn.
"Jillian Askew, chosen child of Mr. and Mrs. Askew."
WHAT, I gave my husband a quick look with shock and disgust on my face, he in turn looked like I could knock him over with a feather. Now don't get me wrong, I know this was not meant with malice, prejudice but with ignorance.
Why is it that society(and family) choose to label my children, yes they are chosen, adopted but I don't feel they need to be reminded especially by family at a social function. I didn't hear them refer to so and so 's baby as baby M the invitro baby or baby K the baby of a single mom.
Why is it adopted children are labelled in society, an example, Angelina Jolie's children are always referred in articles as her adopted children and biological child Shiloh is referred to as her daughter. Why do they label them, duh, everyone with a brain can figure it out.
I felt my children were in a Jane Elliot(diversity trainer) blue eyes/brown eyes experiment and were being centered out, do you remember that from the 1960's?
I think all of our family can figure out by looking at my hubby and I that our girls are adopted.
Anyway it feels good to put it on the screen because it has been bothering me. I have had a bee in my bonnet and this has been buzzing around my head long enough, some things you have to let go of and realize it was out of ignorance.

I really know how it feels to have a bee in my bonnet, hubby and I did hobby (15 hives) beekeeping for about 5 years.


redmaryjanes said...

That would be very upsetting to me.

kris said...

I hope you were able to see the opportunity to educate and took advantage of it. It's unfortunate that people can't see the kid as just "your kid" - and I loved your comment that the other kids (in vitro, etc) aren't singled out. Kinda puts the whole thing in appalling perspective.

I'm gonna be the double whammy woman- single and adopting!! Gasp.

Ashley said...

How inconsiderate of people. Geez! God destined you to be their mom, whether you delivered them or not, and that's that! Thanks for stopping by my blog! :)

theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said...

Oh Kerri. This just so sucks! Yeah, I've noticed the same thing when it comes to adopted kids and it always pisses me off. Why do people feel they need to point out the obvious?! We are their mothers. Someone else may have given them life but we are here to guide, nurture and most of all love them.

Beverly said...

Sad it happened at your own family function.


nikki said...

Yup, I would be carrying a big fat bee around in my bonnet over that one, too.
It sucks when others do stuff like that, but it pierces like a knife when it is family. I feel like, do I really have to be "on guard" even with YOU PEOPLE!!!???? (I recently had a family member make an offhanded comment that ticked me right off, too!)
I would say something -- let 'em know that your children don't need special 'qualifiers'...

Jewels of My Heart said...

This post started out so special and then WHAM! I am sorry... I know exactly how you feel and it realy chaps my hide and hurts my heart for my children.

tundrachica said...

You have every right to be buzzing about that one! Heck...my son would have to be presented as the "conceived out of wed lock" if I were at your family picnic. I have learned that the more people try to be all PC and sensitive they end up making themselves look like complete idiots!

Good job on the buzz-free bonnet with beekeeping. Your brave!

Glinda said...

I'm glad you posted this; I tend to go through this whole process with rose colored glasses and forget that not all people see things the way I do; I will be her mother and she will be my child.

However, if they were grappling with which words and since this is no longer 1912, I'm sure someone could have given you a ringy dingy and asked you and you could have saved yourselves the sand bagging.
I'm sorry something so special turned out to be a little less than.

Sam said...

Boy do I hate that! The worst one was a doctor's office. The nurse whispered "is she adopted"? DUH!!! And there's nothing wrong with her hearing!!!

We have so many issues with my MIL that I won't bore you, but it comes down to Kieren is Chinese and we're not. Oh and isn't it so sad that we couldn't "have" another child! GET OVER IT PEOPLE!!!

Two Kayaks said...

That drives me crazy as well. My mom knows a woman who has two biological children and two adopted children. My mom, in order to overcompensate for the fact that we cannot have biological children, tells us that this woman actually has more love for her "adopted children". Sigh...

Jeter's Mama said...

Yes! This very thing pisses me off!!!
Every time they mention Barbara Walter's ADULT daughter, they must say ADOPTED DAUGHTER. Good Lord, the women is in her 40's and still being referred to ADOPTED DAUGHTER. So wrong.
That will not be allowed with my Ava. Anyone who calls her that will be put in their place.

T & R McGrath said...

I couldn't agree with you more, I would be equally upset by it. My MIL and FIL label our son with "they were able to adopt him because he has a CL/CP! Why must he be labeled by his special need?? Does it matter???

Cough this one up to ignorance!


Doris & Dan said...

This sticks in my craw also! It raises my hackles everytime I hear it.

Keep smilin!

Salome's Mom said...

I saw Larry King interviewing the husband of a woman who had died on the terrible bridge accident. He was there sitting with his two daughters and Larry introduced them as the two adopted daughters of the couple. Not only do these girls have to mourn their mother's loss but also their status has to be defined.

Ms. Dragonfly said...

I'm poking my finger in her face as I spit these words out with a good spray of spray behind them.
I too CANNOT STAND how Brangelina's kids are ALWAYS referred to as 'adopted'.
And that at the wax museum, the Brad/Ange is only of them and their bio kid...
You are right, they probably never said at your gathering,
"Welcome baby Jesse, boy child again, even though the parents really wanted a girl."
"come get your spoon, David, who everyone questions his real paternity."

Ms. Dragonfly said...

I'm feeling better now.

crazylady said...

Is is in poor family taste to ram a silver spoon up someones bum at a reunion?
You know this is why I'll "bee" staying close to your site. You share my world.
Your chosen travel mate ;)

secret agent said...

I'm sorry to hear this.
My plan is to educate/and correct all family and friends prior to the adoption
and throughout infancy
so no mistakes are made in front of her. I am sure it will happen, but hopefully I can explain clearly what they should and should not say.
Stories like yours educate me
and will help.
Thank you.

A Special Family said...

It is very upsetting and the thing is, for some children who come to us through adoption, these comments are the cause of their pain and conflict. They are forced to have an added daily reminder that they don't need.
You are right, it was probably not done out of malice, but it doesn't make it too much easier to swallow. I was just saying to my social worker the other day, adoptive parents get it, sometimes their friends and family get it, why do the media and the rest of society cause us problems?

Is there any chance you could do some feedback? So that this doesn't happen again?